[SATIRE] Students celebrate a record low of only 150 Wi-Fi crashes in one day

Students at Florida Tech have been battling bad Wi-Fi for several dozen semesters, a problem which seemed only to be worsening. 

In fall of 2020, students created and distributed a petition demanding that the Wi-Fi be fixed and that the students be updated on the progress. 

Last week students celebrated a record of only 150 Wi-Fi outages in a single day. 

“It’s such an improvement! Way fewer outages than we’ve been having. I was able to log on and submit an assignment on Canvas in only TWO HOURS!” Annan E. Mous, first-year student at Florida Tech, said. 

Students all over campus could be heard celebrating their ability to have an entire class session without getting dropped from Zoom several times. 

The improvement is purely a one-time occurrence, according to IT employee Montgomery Scott and his new hire, Dr. Emmett Brown. 

“It was a nice day, but we’re expecting the Wi-Fi outages to go back to their average of about 281 times a day,” Scott said. 

Doc Brown is an inventor and scientist with an extensive list of achievements which qualify him for very little, however, he is looking forward to helping students.

 “The goal is for students to only have to reset their Wi-Fi about five times a class session. That would be down a great percent from now.”  

One of Brown’s requirements for being hired was the ability to set up his lab in the Crawford basement, and for the campus to allow his dog, Kepler. 

Alumni gave Brown money for a new building on campus where he could complete his three hours of work every two days, but the scientist decided to forego the donations. 

Doc Brown has conducted extensive research on the outages. 

 “I’ve taken my stethoscope and listened to the electricity pulses in the grass,” Brown said. “At night, I’ve watched for vigilante raccoons breaking into buildings to ruin the connection - it’s no secret they believe this to be their campus”

Drs. Brown and Scott have had no luck but assure that administration is concerned about the issue. 

“Who knows, it could be anything, it could be nothing. We will either get to the bottom of this or we will hope that something else comes up as a distraction.” Said Scott. 

When asked if any of his previous inventions had ever worked, Doc Brown responded, “Please don’t ask me any more.”